Wednesday, April 16, 2014

break my heart for what breaks Yours

Life is so much more than me.  I have found that selfishness is one of my greatest faults.  Pride goes hand-in-hand with that, and I've been falling into a pit lately.  It's a pit of laziness and drudgery.  A pit where everything but my own comfort is tossed out.  Including God.

As a young Christian growing up in a sheltered Christian home, the hurt and pain of the world hasn't touched me very much. Elisha's death brought horrid feelings to this family, but I feel like I grovel under the fact that it didn't break my heart as it should.  Did he not mean as much to me as he should have?  I didn't know him.  He was such a tiny human being that I never met; and I hurt more under the fact that I don't hurt enough about losing him.

I watched October Baby tonight.  For the first time, actually.  And right now, my heart is wrestling.  It's wrestling with so much emotion and tears.  I need God to show me.  To show me who He is.  To show me what is important in life.  To break my heart for what breaks His.

I need His faith.  I need Him to give me the faith He holds that I could never obtain on my own.

I need His perseverance.  I can't.  I can't on my own.

These words may look obvious to you.  But I have struggled and struggled with letting myself go.  With needing God.  I need Him.  I do.  If anything, I need Him to show me that I need Him.  And right now, in this moment, I feel as if a tiny shaft of golden light is shining through.  A hint of the beauty in dropping one's self at His feet.

Feelings don't dictate one's relationship with God.  And one of the hardest things in the world is separating one's feelings with God's will.  With God's plan.  With God Himself.

I don't know the answers.  I don't know how God works.  I don't know why God works that way.  I do know that I have been in a drudgery that I never want to return to, though I may be but a fraction of an inch out of it at the moment.  I want God.  I want Him.  I don't want me anymore; I want Him.

My life feels messy right now.  And I know life will always be messy.  Life is messy.  We can't put it in a neat little box.  And to be quite honest, I prefer the messy.  I prefer God's crazy messiness to any ideal neatness we could wish for.  I prefer to have God for who He is rather than who we want Him to be.  Because He is bigger, and He is better--oh, how much better!--than we could ever imagine Him to be.

My life is physically messy, as well as spiritually messy, however.  I could organize my schoolwork.  I could organize my room.  I could organize my messy, unorganized independent publishing sales.  I could study for the ACTs.  I could get that drivers' permit.  I could wake up at a decent hour and go to sleep at a decent hour.  I really could.  I really can.  I need to step away from the world's distractions, away from the things that hinder a healthy life.

I think what I'm trying to gather together in this moment is my life.  To restate the worn statement that life is beautiful.  All  lives are beautiful.  The life of Elisha.  The life of you.  The life of me.  The life of those people who we couldn't imagine wanting to forgive or wanting to love.  Life is beautiful.  Life is broken.  But it is beautiful.

I want to live it the way God intended it to be lived.  I don't want praise anymore; I want God.

3 comments:

  1. Amen. Just... amen to this. I've been having similar thoughts, similar realizations, and longings, so this was very encouraging to me (I hope it sticks, it's amazing how many times I have to re-learn something God's teaching me. *sigh*). Thank you for writing this, Emily dear. *hugs* I'm praying for you, lovely, and maybe you could pray for me?

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  2. This is beautiful, Emily."I prefer to have God for who He is rather than who we want Him to be. Because He is bigger, and He is better--oh, how much better!--than we could ever imagine Him to be." I love that. And that quote by C.S. Lewis is so good! Thanks for sharing from your heart, friend. =)

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  3. "I don't want praise anymore; I want God.' Dearest Emily, this is a beautiful post, and one that is very much similar in the strain of the cry of my heart. I know you and your family have been having a very difficult, painful time, and my heart grieves for that, and I wish I could embrace you in a deep hug and cry with you <3. I probably cannot imagine all that you're going through, though my family and I have been also going through trials and difficulties lately in our own way, and I definitely understand and know that I have felt (if I still don't feel now) the same way many times. In the way you put it, my life too has been... messy, difficult to see through or organize, or see the beauty in. you know, your post convicted me, for I fear I have also been seeing life in a very selfish attitude of... what I am suffering, what I am doing, or what I am not-doing, giving-up, dreaming, hoping... Only the other day, I was very discouraged as I washed the dishes alone at night, feeling like my life was fraying at the edges, all the things I wanted to do and accomplish beyond my reach, stuck in washing pots and pans, helping in 'insignificant' duties and Algebra-equations that I hated... not being diligent with my schoolwork, life-style or duties, and having to worry about the struggles and trials of my family, while none understood or knew about my own; I started sobbing, and I just realized how much I was feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I was forgotten in life, and not seeing the purpose in the struggle...

    But then Dad and Mum came and encouraged me, and helped me remember, that God is my strength and joy! That the reason for all that I do - is to make His heart happy. That... He loves me, and even if no-one understands or sympathizes, He does. He is faithful and true.

    You put that stirring desire in my heart so beautifully - for I too, want God to show me who He is, and the Desire of His heart, not mine. I want to worship HIM and love Him with whole heart, mind and soul. Oh yes, that is my longing too - that my heart breaks for what breaks His, and to be in tune to His heart and love daily. That is a powerful quote for C. S. Lewis. Thank you for sharing your heart, dearest Emily, - I want you to know I have you in my prayers, and I love you very much. Also, you are greatly loved by God, and for all who seek Him, He shall be found by them! <3 <3 <3

    Hold on, girl, hold on to Jesus! <3

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